- synced and corrected by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -
By the time I died on that stormy September night
I'd become an angry, drunken, bitch.
In a good marriage gone bad
practically daring my husband to find someone better.
When he finally took me up on it,
I figured I should at least consider killing him.
[Sighs]
Seemed like a dreadful way to spend a hangover.
[Hammer thuds]
After discovering my husband's affair,
I got wasted at a neighborhood party,
made a complete fool of myself, and woke up with my clothes on.
[Exhales]
Hello, lover.
Mmm. Mmm.
[Choking]
In situations like these,
most people ask themselves, "really?
After everything, this is how I'm gonna die?"
Me, I thought, "eh, feels about right."
Ugh. Not again.
Beth.
[Dog whimpers]
Beth?
[Door closes] Hey!
God. Beth, I thought you were...
Dead? Me too.
What does that mean?
I don't know, but something amazing happened Tom.
In the garage?
Choked on a sandwich, woke up on the floor.
Thought I was dead, but I wasn't!
That's wild, right? Are you still drunk?
I think you're still drun... Mmm!
[Grunts]
I love you so much, Tom.
I know I haven't told you in years,
but I loved you since the second we met.
I am so, so glad I didn't beat your head with that hammer.
Oh, God! That would've been messy!
Can you imagine?
Being bludgeoned? I'd rather not.
Now I have to take our daughter
to yet another Saturday detention.
[Sighs]
Ah, guacamole.
Huh, of course.
Oh.
I asked myself, "self, what do you do
on the first day of the rest of your life?"
And the answer came back, "run, baby, run!"
[Up-tempo music]
[Sighs and laughs]
Oh! This is happening.
I'm actually running!
Whoo! Woo-hoo!
[Retches]
- Well, hey there, Beth! - Oh, God.
It's a lovely morning for vomiting
in the Shepherds' recycling bin.
Didn't get enough exercise last night?
♪ Come on, feel the noise
♪ girls, rock your boys
Catch you next time.
There's not gonna be a next time.
Whoa.
Oh, hey, Emily.
Wanna help?
No, thanks.
Well, when I'm done, you wanna go to the movies?
Sure! That sounds like so much fun!
Really?
Oh, this is me pretending to get a text
about something else that I have to do
and then pretending to feel really bad about it.
[Scoffs] Darn!
I had become the source of Emily's teen angst,
something she wasn't going to give up easily.
- Was that your... - Mom?
No. Total stranger.
I don't even think that was a woman.
[Giggles]
And then that night, something amazing happened.
Hey.
Are you lost?
I was hoping we could talk.
Yeah, we don't actually do that.
I know.
I'm gonna do better.
- You'll see. - Okay.
Well, the door's right there if you need directions.
There is such magic in you.
I knew it the first second I held you.
Poof! Be gone.
[Chuckles]
[Sighs] Darn it.
- Guess not. - You are funny.
But, nope.
Mm...
[Coughs]
[Echoing] What is going on?
You and Ben?
You and Ben Tompkins, our next door neighbor
you've known since you were six?
[Gasps]
- Dad! - [Chuckles]
That is so cute!
- Somebody call? - [Sighs]
- Make it stop! - Okay.
You'll see.
[Laughs]
What happened?
Well, for starters, mom doesn't have a clue
what grade I'm in, and she calls all my friends Jessica
because I once knew a Jessica.
Now she knows about Ben, and I don't understand how.
Knows what about Ben?
- How's that? - What?
- Go on.
- No. - Wait, you said...
Can you not see how hysterical I am right now,
unable to process what just happened to me?
God, dad!
You are so dumb.
[Laughing]
[Sighs]
I forgot how fun this is.
[Giggles]
So fun. Wanna take a break?
Sure.
You probably know what I wanna talk about, right?
Yeah, I do.
I think it's the right thing for us and Emily,
so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
I want a div...
An explanation for my behavior, I know.
Well, that's not precisely the word I was gonna use.
- No? Well, what... - What I was gonna say...
- No, I mean, I just... - If you let me fini...
[Laughs] You go first.
- I want a divor... - Here it is.
I choked on that sandwich, and I died on Friday night.
I'm sure of it now.
That is why I think I feel so different.
So... alive!
- Well, that's certainly one w... - Wait, there's more.
Really? 'Cause you said quite a lot.
Ever since it happened, I know things I shouldn't know.
Well, that's... That's fascinating.
- Isn't it? - Oh, it is.
[Sighs]
You've given me a lot to think about here.
I have?
Which I'm gonna do while sleeping on the couch.
- Oh. - No, no, no.
This is good. Oh, good.
Now, why in the world would any man
trade all those years of fighting and celibacy for this?
That was the longest, weirdest
"dog ate my homework" story ever.
Hey, you try divorcing someone
while she's bouncing on the bed.
Oh.
You're waiting for just the right occasion.
I wonder if they make a greeting card for that.
- Do I sense some disappointment? - Just get her a cat scan.
If she's clean, it's an act.
I mean, you don't just choke on a sandwich,
bump your head, and go crazy.
Or become an amazing actress.
She's got you just where she wants you.
I gotta run.
Lunch hour's up, and my boss
is turning out to be kind of a knob.
Well, I prefer to think of him as firm but fair.
- You're upset. - No. I don't do upset.
Carly, come on.
Hey.
Look at me. [Exhales]
Fine, I just thought today was the day
we could finally start living our lives together
outside of this stupid hotel.
Boo-hoo.
Hey, this is gonna happen.
You get that puppy we've been talking about, all right?
You're playing the puppy card.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
[Smacks table] All right, that's it.
Tell me how you know about Ben.
Are you reading my text messages?
- Are you spying on me? - Don't worry about how I know,
but I also know it's making you sad.
What?
Please.
Me, sad about a boy?
Are you serious right now? Please.
Oh, two "pleases."
Well, at least we know you don't lie well.
[Scoffs] Okay, fine.
You want the truth? Here it is.
You're annoying, and you're weird,
and I'm not just gonna open up to you, okay?
Okay. That's a start!
No. No, it isn't.
I'm not gonna do this with you again.
Pretend like everything's normal... I'm...
- Beth, did you... cook? - [Giggles]
Only in the very broadest definition of the word, yeah.
I'm just out of practice!
It started off as meat loaf. It ended up something else.
No, no, it's, um...
I'm gonna grab a beer.
What's on your mind, Tom?
Oh, the real question is: What's on your mind, Beth?
Oh! Well, turns out God saved me, and now...
Please tell me you said "Todd," not...
God.
God, g-o-d, the big guy?
You've never even been to church.
I know, but he saved me anyway,
and now he's communicating with me.
He's speaking to you? Directly?
Well, it's not words exactly.
It comes in as a feeling, and then it's a knowing,
and sometimes I smell things,
but it's not toast, so I know I'm not having a stroke.
Anyway, then he tells me to go tell other people!
Oh! I see.
So now you're a prophet.
A prophet.
Prophet of God.
[Laughs] Yes.
- No. - Yeah!
- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes.
- No. - Yes.
It's the first time I've said it out loud.
Prophet of God. It feels good.
Really? You don't think that's vaguely unlikely?
I get it. You mean, "why me?"
- Well, yeah. - [Exhales]
Mysterious ways, right?
Here's what I do know. He is not too happy with you.
Oh, God's pissed at me?
W-w-why would God be pissed at me?
Because you're hurting our daughter.
She smells the perfume on your clothes
when you come in at night.
Emily told you that?
[Gasps] Right. Of course.
So, is he gonna smite me now, huh?
Is God big on the smiting?
I'm afraid so. You might wanna keep moving.
- Beth, honey... - What, baby doll?
First thing in the morning, we absolutely have to...
Get a cat scan.
Pop the hood, see what's knocking around in there.
Yes, that.
- Exactly. - It's a date.
You didn't see that one coming, did you?
Ha!
See this flare up here? This little blue spot.
Now, the common assumption would be
that it's some kind of damage, but there are...
There are what?
Have either of you read any of the neurological studies done
on Tibetan monks when they're immersed in deep prayer?
I...
They activate a part of the brain
that nobody else ever has.
Some theorize that it's their connection to God.
Are you saying that I could be activating the part
of my brain that monks do?
I'm saying it's possible.
[Exhales] Oh, wow.
Okay.
What, me and the monks?
Holy
[horn honks]
Doc left it wide-open to interpretation,
and Beth's interpretation is that the giant, bearded magician
in the sky selected eight Tibetan holy men
and one drunk Ohio housewife to be his prophets.
You know, if all her screws are tight,
your wife deserves an Oscar for this performance.
You do know what's next, right?
Well, she gets over it.
More like tabloid fame, book deal, lifetime movie,
and then a talk show called "Beth!"
Oh, man.
She was a weather girl when you first met her, right?
Like Sarah Palin? Weekends, local affiliate.
I had a crush.
I'm so glad I'm wearing this super-fun skirt
'cause for the life of me, I can't seem to find Ohio.
[Giggles]
Well, that's really sweet.
But now she's lying, or nuts,
and either way, she could be dangerous.
Yeah, about that.
You might wanna step away from the window.
According to Beth, God's kinda smite-y.
Oh, really?
Well, according to me, you're kind of a wussy.
[Thunder crashes] [Gasps]
[Exhales] Who's the wussy now?
I was suddenly wide-awake in my life
for the first time in years.
Maybe I'd still lose my husband to another woman,
my friends to each other,
but not today.
[Indistinct chatter]
Oh, my God.
Oh, please say she's not coming in here.
- No, she is. - Hey!
Hi, guys. Mind if I join you?
Sorry, seat's saved.
God, Mary, this isn't high school.
- Oh, thanks. - Someone really is coming.
Jenna, can we start over?
- Yeah, no. - I'm sorry.
I apologize for every horrible thing I ever did.
I know I did a lot of horrible things, but...
[Mutters indistinctly]
This is really not the time to...
Oh, it's been two years, one month, and six days.
He really misses it. It means something to Pete.
I'm sorry.
Oh, he wants you to go downtown.
- Downtown? - To Joe Blob City.
Joe Blob City?
Yeah.
Both: Oh!
- [Gasps] - Okay.
Okay, I'm just gonna leave you to... oh, boy.
Is there something else you'd rather be doing?
Babe, you know shark week doesn't start till August.
Does it really "mean something" to you?
Does what "it" mean what?
Wait, what?
Remember that thing that I used to do,
but then you had the bike accident,
and then we weren't, and then it sort of dropped...
Two years, one month, and six days.
That's exactly right.
From what I recall,
I thought that it meant that we love each other,
and that you loved me.
Pete.
Yes, Jenna?
I still love you.
[Cell phone vibrates]
[Light switch clicks repeatedly]
Mental note: Buy a dead bolt.
Come on. You sure that's what you need?
[Exhales]
Don't make me regret this.
Mm. Okay.
Ben thinks we're just neighbors with benefits.
Hits me up for Booty calls, and then crawls in my window.
It was so much fun at first, and now it just kinda sucks.
Because you really like him.
Yeah.
Okay, here's your response.
- Thumbs ready. - I'm not gonna text him.
- Oh, yeah, you are. - [Laughs] Okay.
- Pick it up. - Um...
"Sorry, this window's closed.
I am into somebody else."
[Laughter]
- I can't send that. - Oh, yes, you can.
- No, I really can't. - Oh, you're doing it.
- Okay! - Do it, do it, do it.
I can't. I can't do it.
I did it! It sent.
Yeah, it sent. [Laughs]
[Giggles]
That's pushing it.
What was, uh, what was going on in there?
Oh, that? That was girl stuff.
None of your business.
Oh, you're advising Emily now.
[Scoffs]
You just think I'm totally nuts, don't you?
Your words, not mine.
Now all this God stuff, there's just no way
it could be real.
It's just too ridiculous, huh?
I'm just too ridiculous.
You wanna talk "real"? Huh, Beth?
Yeah.
You left me first. You checked out.
I know.
Life threw you a couple of curves,
and you just dropped the bat.
I said I know.
I know. You're right.
You're damn right I'm right.
You remember how I used to flirt with you on TV?
What does that have to do with anything?
I am still the same goofy weekend weather girl
who fell madly in love
with a persistent, handsome bartender.
I was lost.
Now I'm found.
And I'm gonna make it way tougher on you
than you ever imagined to leave me.
- Oh, really? - Really.
- It's not that simple. - What if it is?
[Knock at window]
Look at you,
all confident, showing up anyway.
Oh, come on, ems.
I believe that this should be a dialogue
between a man and a woman.
Hm.
No.
Up north here on the lake,
Ohio is doing its best to keep a cool head,
but down here somewhere in the middle,
things are getting much, much hotter.
Oh... my... God.
Hi.
I was just gonna say that Ben showed up anyway.
I hope you shut his ass down.
- So hard. - Okay.
Now I'm just gonna figure out a way
to unsee that little freak show.
This is good. [Laughs]
Look at you, gettin' your mom on,
bringin' the advice, droppin' some wisdom beats.
- Oh, you like that, huh? - Yeah, I like that.
I forgot how weird you are.
So did I.
Okay, if I may...
You're cheating on me with your whacked-out wife
who you were set to divorce before she banged her head
and decided she's a prophet of God.
Well, when you string it all together like that...
Okay, ow! What the...
I am not the other woman.
That is not my role in life,
and now I'm throwing a drink in your face
like some kind of crazy person!
What? No.
Fair enough. Now we're even.
That's good scotch.
[Thunder rumbles]
- Rough day? - You have no idea.
Personal or professional?
Wait, if it's about work, I don't care.
It's about Beth.
She's acting different, but in a good way.
But wait, people can't change overnight, can they?
[Groans]
They can if they're the Ohio state buckeyes.
Pete, can you get me another beer?
Pete. What are you, 12?
Who are you texting?
Well, I think you mean, who's texting me?
Answer: My wife.
Oh, with a list of items
she wants me to get from the grocery store?
No, but the list of things she wants to do to me later,
which makes it sex-texting.
Dudes, my life is so awesome right now,
unlike yours, which sounds more like something I'd see on PBS.
[Tires screech]
[Crash, shattering glass]
What was that?
Isn't that the hot red mess from your work?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
[Electricity buzzes]
[Shrieks]
Hey!
Get out here, you deceit...
Deceitful, manipulative, little bitch!
Oh, I am calling you a cab!
You need to go home right now, young lady.
Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you just come over here
and make me, jesusina?
All right, I am going to press three numbers
on this phone, and if you
are not off my property, you're going to jail.
Nine... That's it!
I am gonna take that phone and shove it right up your...
Mom! Come on!
- You go inside! - I'm on a roll, baby!
Thanks for the advice, Beth!
What? You really did it?
[Laughs] That's amazing, Jens!
"Jens"? That's our thing!
Hello! Remember me?
- Crazy drunk woman on your lawn? - Carly, what are you doing here?
Hi, Tom! I'm a little busy here.
No, no, no, I'm gonna take you home now, okay?
The hell you are.
She's gonna go home in handcuffs.
One... [Blows raspberry]
You big, fat wuss!
Instead of dialing 911, why don't you just have God...
One! [Thunder]
[All screaming] Oh!
Carly!
Oh!
No [...] Way.
Oh!
- I... I... - Oh, my God.
I did not do that!
Uh-oh.
But now, I think maybe I did.
- synced and corrected by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -